Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
do herpes really smell.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
