none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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