the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
