Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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