I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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