The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
