Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
