How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
