i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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