I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
