I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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