Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
