If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
