it was like his penis was on wheels.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize