I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
