Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
