I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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