I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
