K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
