he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We're too hungover to prance.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
