got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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