I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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