the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
