Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
