And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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