I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
