my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
