come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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