I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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