When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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