Sponge bath it is.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
