I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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