There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
