Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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