dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
