My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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