how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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