life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
