i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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