my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
