grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
