fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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