The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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