So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
