You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My vagina just clenched in fear
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
