Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I am never drinking with the goths again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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