I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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