I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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