I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
