Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
