I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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