If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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