hotel room ftw
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
