oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
