Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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