I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
