I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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