I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
