I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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