too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
