Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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