He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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