you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
