im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
